I will be taking a break from writing. There! I’ve said it, now I just have to do it.
I hope it won’t be permanent but I don’t currently know how long a break it will be. I am lacking inspiration despite reading brilliant posts by others daily, but there is something blocking me and as my mother says (and grandmother before her), if you don’t have anything positive to say, don’t say anything at all.
Truth is, I’m not feeling very positive at the moment. I need to refocus my energy and take stock of my life and more importantly my health. I live with a underactive thyroid, caused by an autoimmune disease called Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, which has for some reason decided to go off-piste by more than a little, despite previously successful treatment and a relatively stress-free, illness-free, pregnancy* & childbirth-free lifestyle for a few years.*the gestation and subsequent adventures of birth and breastfeeding the Little Chap caused a few waves in the old TSH levels for a while a few years ago, but we were all good there for a few years!
In a nutshell, I haven’t been feeling quite like myself for a while now but only recently realised how off track things were getting and it will probably take several weeks for my new dose to kick in. As my levels are so high, it may even take a further adjustment to bring them back to the normal range in due course – 0.4 – 3.5 according to the medics, and from personal experience over almost a decade, somewhere between 2.0 and 3.0 in fact. (Cough! They’re currently 12.5.)
I have felt more and more tired (at first I thought it was because I was staying up too late writing) but then I realised I wasn’t actually doing that so much any more and I was still feeling more and more tired, earlier and earlier in the day. I can’t concentrate on anything, not even simple tasks. My mind feels as though it is permanently pre-occupied, but yet I can’t think what with! Honestly, I’ll be in the kitchen having said I’ll go and make dinner, and I’ll start to wonder why I’m standing there…
I am not sleeping well either. My patience levels have diminished considerably as a result and my PMS has become all but unbearable. In general, I have begun to notice I’m feeling a little negative about most things really but now I know it will all clear up with treatment, I will try to focus on the positives again but bite sized chunks, keeping it simple, less is more – these are all good mantras for healing.
Last week’s post was a cheat, I know – so I won’t blame you for not reading or commenting on it! The one before that, late and, I think, somewhat reflective of my relatively low state of mind and I don’t want this to get any worse! Indeed, looking back over the last few months, I can see that my levels must have started to increase beyond “wellness” around about the time I decided to start my blog. The writing must have helped in some ways, because, following a conservative adjustment to my dose in September, I hadn’t really considered my levels might be getting worse, instead of better until the test results I got back this week. I thought it must just be naturally worsening PMS due to my impending big birthday that was turning me into a tearful, angry bitch for two whole weeks of every month. I guess it is, though that is a symptom, not a cause.
Since Christmas, our normal daily routine has changed with the Little Chap going to daycare three days a week instead of one so he is missing both sleep and time with his Grannie and Grandpa and his behaviour has reflected this, which I’ve found particularly difficult to manage. This in turn makes me feel like a rubbish mother – if I have more tantrums than he does, how will he ever learn how to behave? I don’t feel like I’m doing my job properly and nothing upsets me more than that. As a result of the change in routine, I’m also not getting my usual walk to and from the tube station on my way to work, taking the car instead all three days as it seems impossible to get the Little Chap out of the house early enough to walk the mile to the nursery (Google estimates 19 minutes for a healthy adult, I have done it fit and alone in 13 but with a determined 3-year-old…? Give.me.a.break!). I do realise I need to find a way to address this though, as I do feel the benefits of fresh air and exercise in keeping fit, active and feeling well.
It breaks my heart a little to walk away from Mayfair Mum, even for a little while, as I’ve really enjoyed creating it and even more so, building an audience for it through Twitter, Facebook and other social networking sites. I’ve met some lovely readers who have been kind enough to leave some lovely comments and I hope you will still be here when I return.
In the meantime, I will be taking some time to get myself back on track. As part of that process, I would like to make sure I can make some time to keep writing somehow and with renewed vigour and purpose – I’ve drifted a little. Perhaps the less is more approach might have a beneficial effect. I might come back sooner with something of a diary approach – I seem to naturally write long posts, which I know aren’t always considered the ideal for a blog, so I may experiment a little with more frequent, shorter posts if only to prove I can do it. I may do this off-line for a while first but I hope to come back a stronger, fitter, happier person and a better writer as a result.
I also want to develop my creative writing, read more (of everything!) and the big dream is to one day come up with a novel of my own… So much to do and so little time and I feel a little overwhelmed so it is time for something to give.
So first I thank you all for reading over the past six or seven months and secondly, please do stay tuned for the next chapter.
Mayfair Mum x
© Mayfair Mum, 2012